Rationale;
The article I have selected is from the Guardian, and is entitled "My meat addiction is over: I’ve gone vegan, and it’s brilliant" by Jack Monroe. This article explores the author's journey into veganism and also deplores the nature of omnivore diets. The bias is on vegan diets, as it claims to be the only way to be healthy, without considering flexitarianism can also be an option for readers. This is prominent in the chosen arguments, as even if they are true and highlight why veganism is better for their environment and health, there are ways it can not benefit them. Additionally, it is the exclusivity of anecdotes from the author's life play into this bias. This parody will be written under author name Jackson Devon, that highlights the magnificence of eating only animal products.
My vegan addiction is over; I eat only animal products and it's brilliant
Jackson Devon (not a certified nutritionist or qualified to give any nutritional advice whatsoever but I will do it anyway because it is the only way I can get attention)
"Now my cooking has gone to a whole other level; I have such a big variety of juicy meat I can include in my dishes" Photography : Jackson Devon
During the new year, with some friends and our young children, I had a crazy night of drinking 1 litre of kombucha and watching the best vegan documentary; Cowspiracy. That night I went to bed, but little did I know that would be the last time I would indulge in that environmentally correct behaviour of limiting meat consumption.
I woke up the first day of the year, and resolved to pick up the habit of smoking and eat exclusively animal products; I ate so much as a vegan I needed something to suppress this appetite. I experimented with meat recipes for a very long time, and I abruptly removed fruit, vegetables, all the superfoods like quinoa and chia seeds as well as the meat substitutes I used to eat all the time. This got me to save money because that stuff is expensive as s***, I'll tell you that. And the best part is, I was no longer deficient in vitamin B12 because all the meat I ate had it. I get my calcium from milk and my iron from chicken liver. I cooked with eggs and steak and I was always obsessively for new meats to try and experiment with! I even tried raising my own chickens and killing them myself, although they wouldn't stop moving and ran away headless, although it didn't cross the street.
When I was a kid, I once announced to my born and raised skinny and pale vegan parents that I wanted to eat meat. The reply I got was "Don't be silly. And finish your quinoa, avocado and kale salad." Out of respect for my parents, who worked really hard to get food on the table, I would eat dinner. Even when they would force feed me grass because they read somewhere it's rich in vitamin D. I was entrapped in a sad vegan childhood, due to my parent's oblivion to the juiciness of meat.
I tried giving up my vegan diet several times, yet like I junkie I always caved in. Premade veggie burger patties, coconut yoghurt, frozen fruit for my smoothies, gosh it was so difficult to resist all these cruelty-free foods! And now when I look back at my recipes published when I was vegan, I try not to cringe at how awfully stupid the concept of having food without animal products is. After all, I evolved to who I am today, from experience and decisions. I now host yearly meat-stock festivals to celebrate this amazing lifestyle, although one of my cohosts had a nearly deadly heart attack and now stopped eating meat. What a fake meat eater!
"Steak became my go to almost every day, vegetables makes your body way too alkaline and it will definitely kill you. Steak has all the macros; carbs, fat and protein"
Vegans, you all secretly hate yourselves. Where do you ever get your protein from? or calcium? Don't you miss meat? The other day I went to my vegan friend's house, but I forgot to warn them about my new journey, and the sight of all the vegan food made me lose my appetite. But it's a good thing I got chicken flavoured tofu and sausage cucumber substitutes; this stuff tastes like veggies and have the same texture but actually are made 100% animal products.
Unless you live under some kind of rock, you know people living in Antarctica only eat seal meat and they are way more spiritually evolved than us. You have to be on a meat only diet to experience these advantages. And do you really have canines to eat celery? Yeah, that is what I thought. Plants give out oxygen, why would you want to eat oxygen sources? The world is a much safer place if we eat animals because that way they won't eat us. Additionally, eating their food is so unjust!
I could never eat plants that are raised on inhumane farms, given pesticides and GMOs and in such crowded conditions, with less than 1 square millimetre per plant. It is so devastating to see how plants are being killed and deforestation; vegetables can feel too! Eating lettuce has 3 times worst greenhouse emission gases than bacon. There are crazy amount of hormones in soy, and did the plant even deserve to be treated that way? Plus to all men out there you will start growing breasts from eating too much soy, and oh boy having a bigger cup size than your girlfriend is embarrassing (been there done that). But I'm not going to gross you out with science. In my experience, harassing vegans, screaming at them, and feeding them meat by saying it's fake meat doesn't work. You don't really change much. I stopped spamming with memes that make fun of vegans or articles that talk about vegan vitamin deficiencies. You won't get that for me. But what you will get is more food recipes that only have animal products, but honestly, it is just like what I used to do but no longer using lettuce like before. Vegans that can't take nutritional advice are in denial, and that's usually a symptom of all the fibre that is fogging up their brains.
Never skip the steak, that's a mistake.